"Writer "
The Transformer
page 2
I keep something for myself
that helps me remember. I have a cardboard box filled with earrings, bras,
high heel shoes, panties, necklaces, rings, needles, drugs, purses, blouses,
skirts, slacks, elastic tops, driver's licenses and birth certificates.
I don't know what my mother or
sister think when they see all that junk in my room. I make no attempt to
hide it. But maybe they think I
have a girl friend or something. That’s probably how they see it.
It’s important to try to walk a
mile in another man’s shoes. That’s why I write this down. Some day, someone
will read this and know how I felt.
I write everything down to do
with my garden too, making lists like what I’m growing right now:
lavender
lamb's ears
snapdragons
lilies
begonias
irises
poppies
I even have a magnolia tree.
The problem I found with flowers is they die. They take a lot of work and
they die and then you have to dig them up and start all over again.
My father had prostate cancer.
He had good jobs but then he kind of wrinkled down to nothing. A short,
solid man always smiling then nothing. So when I lifted the coffin, it felt
like nothing.
That was in 1987. I killed my
first woman in 1989.
I can gently squeeze on the
neck of a purple snap dragon with my thumb until it pops away from its stem.
Just sort of hangs there, its perfume smell on my hands.
My transformers feel very clean
but that’s because I wash them with a damp cloth. The smaller ones glisten
like brand new spark plugs but not so heavy.
I trust what my hands tell me,
knowing just how much is enough. I put my fingers there and wriggle them
back and forth, so there is a heat, so that I can overcome the friction. I
swear I hear the rasp of its breathing when it becomes a new thing.
A woman can look so peaceful
staring out the window after herself, the cheapness and hooker-look gone
from her eyes.
I usually keep her for a few
days till the colour fades or she begins to smell. Then I bury her.
I guess death is where I want
them to end up, transported on the seat beside me like a bunch of cut
flowers, no longer growing but pretty and colourful, just the same.
So many of them like to wear
red or orange tops and purple around their eyes. Most of them are kind of
pretty and I keep their pictures if I find them.
